1. |
Wax and Wane, Rapidly
01:11
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it’s this dream
where the moon grows
and shrinks
in size
each night
like a full cycle
in a single sky turn
it hung one night
outside the window
and only outside that window
under which
I’m still for now
sleeping
I turned to the dog and said,
“do you see it too?”
I turned to the dog and said,
“do you see it too?”
and she nodded along
with the glow
from an otherwise still dark
and I knew it then.
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2. |
Only a Test
03:06
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this is a test
this is a test
this is a test
this is a test
of both existing will and existing patience
this is a test
this is a test
to find which madness was soon made manifest
this is a test
this a test
this is a test
of God’s love for sickness in happenstance
this is a test
this is a test
this is a test
testing –
testing –
this is a test
this is a test
of the cleanliness of three specific breaks
this is a test
of what you know versus what you’ve taken
to heart
a test of how well
you can follow
a streak of light’s tail end
this is a test
this is a test
this is a test
of honor
if honor was all
you had left
but also
all but
entirely forgotten
this is a test
this is a test
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3. |
And The
02:55
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What are you spinning?
a cape?
to drape
over shoulder
to slip out
shhhhhh
quiet now
have you lost count
of how many spins
to let in
and let out
of a body?
no …
no …
it’s always my body
they’re always my tracks
it’s always my body
doing the counting
and the feeling
and the feeling
and the feeling
and the
and the
and the
and the
and the
and the
did you know?
did you know?
did you always know
the ashes
before facing flame
did you try forgetting
each day
as soon as it was over?
did you know?
did you know?
did you know
the rules changed
in the midst
of the game?
did you know
did you still win?
did you know
and did you win?
did you know?
and did you win?
did you know?
did you know?
did you know?
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4. |
Already Engulfed Room
00:45
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open directly into madness
I am standing freely and undressed
in a burning room
screaming,
“FIRE”
but everyone is pretending
to enjoy the heat
and worse
thinks I’m yelling higher
but I’ve stayed high long enough
to fuck myself up in the end
I admit I needed it –
a means of softening the edges
a slight dulling of the senses
but then they took worst crutch
and gave it my full name
and are laughing still
but in a panicked way
a way that says,
‘we don’t know what to do
with every little bit of you
but if we stay relatively still
the flames might burn around
instead of through’
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5. |
Shared Room Occupancy
02:40
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hotel room anxiety
background noise tv
calling out to me
to everyone on either side of either wall
a feeling – heavy,
dread
when you kick a glass
a drop in your gut
eye a new stain
still fresh and violently shaped
a drop in the bucket
fading and drying
and drying and fading
fading and drying
and drying and fading
fading and drying
and drying and fading
fading and drying
and drying and fading
I’m doing snow angels
in coffee damp carpet
I’m doing snow angels
on southern hill
of my hometown park
I’m doing snow angels
in coffee damp carpet
I’m doing snow angels
on the bone dry sidewalk
outside a first apartment
in the river breeze
I'm doing snow angels
in coffee damp carpet
and no one will yell at me
no one will
ever
yell at me again
because it and I
are tameable things
blemishes
easily treated
changed over
and freshened
all as temporary as a one-night-sleep’s guests
or all as temporary as the wetness left
from the rings
of the initially spilled glass
aforementioned
fading and drying
and drying and fading
fading and drying
and drying and fading
fading and drying
and drying and fading
fading and drying
and drying and fading
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6. |
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minutes pass better
in the daydreams
where all hope rooted
still feels as natural as breathing
in
and out
breathe in
and out
and out
and around the room
made from phrases you were once quite proud of
and could still pronounce
with ease of native tongue
escorted by an air of cool
thickening the room
like smoke
I’ve never said it
but lately I’ve learned
home is what you make it –
the effort
home is what you make it out of –
the substance
home is what you out with –
the fruits
I’ll tuck myself back in for now
to reality painted gray
strokes so vague
and just muted enough
you’d think
they’d be the wind
and I’ll sway
just in case
and just in case of emergency
just sway the way you were taught
in the womb
and in every instance since
when you had to tighten your eyelids
into nothing and beg
for forgiveness
for wishing a way out
for wishing a way through
a little faster
rather than better
the minutes they’re passing rapid
and I don’t know if that’s the same anymore
but breath still catches in most hoarse throat
and so I try to breathe in
and out
and I breathe in
and out
and I breathe in
and out
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7. |
Back Around/Karma Jaws
02:17
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karma bit down on me like a starved dog
I lost by little
then by lots
slowly then suddenly and all at once
the skies and my teeth opened and darkened
and my bones cracked –
heat lightning
it is ignorant to deny
how long it must have been brewing inside of me
swirling like storm or runoff
building a tension
approaching the snap
I knew a day would come
I knew I couldn’t run about and taunt the me I knew a year before
and even one more before
like an older brother or a bully
or a sharp spot
on the line between the two things
I knew I couldn’t afford to be mean but
I still was
at least quietly
only raised my voice when yelling
at myself
that’s something I’ve kept
but as rot sets in –
long winter
I don’t know what I deserve in terms of what I get to say at this point
I guess it would be somewhere along the lines of,
“I fought
and then I stopped”
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8. |
Wine Bar Remnants
01:12
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he appears
the second man of body
in the bare hallway before me
and pulls the horse from the tattoo at his neck
and sets it amidst the stale air between us
and I’ll admit it
he never said it –
that it wouldn’t buck at stun or startle
I just didn’t expect such little reaction
at such obvious struggle
and now the horse runs
and weathers its worn shoes
and now the horse runs
in place and in tune
with the creak of bed or bone
under the pulse to ooze loathing
fashioned this time
to mimic spine
and more a sense of self
outside of only distance
from someone else
or how I seem
or how I seem
or how I present
in the camera
in the mirror
in the window pane
in a puddle
or the eye of the man in front of me
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9. |
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I know
I know I’m an addict because nothing feels as good as something full
I know it got real bad but
still not as bad as it really could
and I know it’s the remnants
of the wreckage
from which to maybe pull
signs of life left
from crash called crash
called accident
called I let you down again
called I won’t let you down again
‘cause I won’t chase full again
and I am not a twin
nor keeper
nor confidant
and I am no longer a mirror for him to see himself in
just a little brighter
and further away
and quite slighter in frame and grace
yet stronger in spine and in tact and now I know too
I know I’m an addict because nothing feels as good as something full
I know I’m a sister because I know his demons better than I ever should
and can predict their strikes and anticipate the lies stretched to hell and back to justify
and I won’t hear it this time
I won’t hear it in this lifetime
like I will not be shield
like I will not be jail cell
like I will not be translator
like I will not be full
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10. |
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the soles of my feet have split
like the tender belly
of a fish
they’re leaking
– no
they’re not leaking
they’re spilling
– no
purging
a sludge
and red so red
to the point of darkness again
and viscous
textured even
to the point that I can feel it all leaving
like a mortal wound prefaced everything
in years before
a kid cartoon
more than likely a source
but the waves forming ‘round my ankles
now mean more
like how I ended up
collecting so much dust
and am being cleaned
from the inside
out
I’m pulsing
from the ripple
of the remnants
that will dissolve
and be bloodlet
eventually
‘til entirely cleanly
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11. |
Resignation
02:05
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avoid action
to avoid connection
to avoid any
likely disappointment
I’ll admit it
the easy part
it’s easier
checking out
easier
living without
a hope
wrapped ‘round the throat
like reptile or vine
squeezing
at last chance for life
outside a bed
carved by hand
with the expectation
to live in it
lie in it
lie in it
die in it
til dirt
and from dirt
comes the old and new kinds of hurt
not unlike a scratch
but more a burn
from the steam
from a wish
slowly
then quickly
evaporating
up
from the air
to the air
up
from the air
to the air
around
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12. |
What Is It (You Want)
02:41
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stuck again
and you’re still breaking in
like a gull through glass
or a voice in the static
I’m trying to make out
I’m trying to make it out
what you’re saying
but hushed always was best way
whether song
or meeting place
you never filled me in
which aisle of the library
you’d call your favorite
years pass
and then
but you’re still breaking in
and sickly
I keep hoping for it to happen
but really I’m asking
but really I’m asking
what is it you want?
what is it you want?
what is it you want?
what is it you want?
what is it you want?
a penny for your thoughts
as if it matter much
after all
and after all
time stretched like hide
or a tale growing tall
and after all
we knew an end
would eventually come
so go tell me of it
the truth that is
what is it you want?
what is it you want?
again or again or again
in continuance
what is it you want?
what is it you want?
the past as it wasn’t
or time as it is
to break into again
like space left vacant
surface undisturbed
just begging for a mess to be made
in and all over it
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13. |
Come to Senses
01:55
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I didn’t know I didn’t feel well
I broke a square out of my left-side ribs
and served a small bite
to eat upon it
but I thought it all normal enough
I didn’t know I didn’t feel well
the presence of some toxins
are felt only in their absence
and I wasn’t there yet
in any sense but
I could call
a spade
a spade
a spade
I could note each and every way a sickness takes shape
and still not flag a cloudiness in my own eyes like cataracts
or stray black liquid liner
I’m taking a break
from giving names to feelings I’ve haven't had the chance to explore
breaking away from still the small but mighty braided chains that kept me tethered
to the wall of someone else’s sickly house
I didn’t know I didn’t feel well
til the sun came up
and I saw my reflection in a puddle and gasped
at all the hollow grinning back at me
I always knew that there was more I didn’t
and I sure, sure really didn’t
I always knew the bass line in my head could be translated
I always knew the face that saw me back in the brain wasn’t meant to be there
I always knew the smile held a mouth full of sharp objects
begging to pricked upon
as if something fated could be coerced
it’s the confirmation now
the feelings shaped like stone to facts
keeping me upright
it’s the sight of the bright smile
against the heavy face
in the background of a good day
without losing my place
or my feet from the ground
it’s the growth
in the wake of the rot
in the fear of the rot
and the step out from a rut driven down
from years of trying and trying and trying
to get out
again
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14. |
Cold Chill: Crackle
02:48
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my eardrums have started to swell
like verging a birth
the muffling begins
with a soft blow to the senses
but still hurts the feelings
of everyone around me
and mine
as if kicking a carcass
will ring pain in time
with the barking
the dogs are barking again
can you hear me?
I said
the dogs are barking again
whining now
in the slight
but still aching cold
too cold
for the snow to fall down
hear me?
better – can you hear the barking?
it’s all ringing
doorbells and rotary phones
but deeper
like a secret
can you hear me?
I’m barking along
I’m in the frost
I’m in the frost
I’m in the frost and I’m barking along
‘cause why couldn’t I be a dog
I do little else but love and want
I’m in the frost
alone
or with a chorus
bellowing along
I’m in the frost
I’m in the frost
barking
along
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15. |
Adherence
03:39
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the schedule says
to lie down
the schedule says
to curl up in a ball now
the schedule says,
“are you mad at me?”
the schedule says
there are other men at work
the schedule says
to break again
whatever that’s worth
the schedule says
it’s empty time
that makes you kind of wonder
what really passed
a year or an hour
but from where I’m at
I feel every fucking second pass
have you ever
have you ever
bowed out
reminder rings
church bell in front
stress it
no vacation
from non-existence
and I apologize for any inconvenience
the schedule says
it’s time for change
the schedule says
shave off old day
the schedule says
look for diamonds in the dirt
then at yourself for a bit
compare the view in a shiny surface
the schedule says
break the line
break the line
break the line
the schedule says now
more hoarsely
who do you believe
the schedule says now
more quietly
the reaper or the rest
the schedule says
still quietly
if it matters
you’ll figure it out
and fast
schedule fell to flame
and in wake
left just a medal of Anthony
and piles of ash
in the shapes of ways out
of the vaguely alluring mess
felt like a tank on the chest
in an absence
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16. |
Marks the Spot
02:33
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someone (someone)
someone has been speaking to me (someone)
all day now (all day)
in this empty house
(it’s too empty for this to be happening)
someone (someone)
someone has been speaking to me (someone)
all day now (all day)
in this empty house
(the house is so empty)
with my thumbnail
sharpened
I’ll press an X
into my head
like it’s a mosquito bite
to stop the itching
if just for a little bit
someone has been speaking to me
all day
in this empty house
drawn on
in dark
by a ghost
in night
left foot sporting scribbles
turned to phrases
something like
an addiction to spitting fire
burns more
than just another
or how many more empty holes
point to nothing
undercover
thin (thin)
thin skin (thin skin)
as paper
as canvas
as permanence
staining a pale
however cleansed
there are still bits
memory and toxin
braided to bond
used as ties to attach upon the hitches
and drag themselves along to new
new
new, new day
it’s a new day
and I’m still catching up on
what that someone was saying
without making known their footprint
nor intention of staying around long enough
to find comfort in bodiless whisper
to break bread
to make friends with chilled space in the air
and call it socialization
and call it unchecked hysteria
mixed well with the desperation
for any bit of chance
that feels like chance used to
before the itch set in
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17. |
Easy Way Out
03:12
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fury is fast acting
but disappointment
it takes its time
I’ve never exactly known where you keep yours
but I’ve boldly wielded mine like both
identity
and weapon
I have a lot of weapons
(I have a lot of weapons)
or rather
fashioned items
otherwise non-violent
and probably quite pathetic like
holding onto hopes too long past their due
and yet
still shocked in the end
taking in a dying thing’s scent
like beloved perfume
I’ve sunk (sunk deeper)
into your head (into your head)
like too much perfume (pungent)
stinging behind your eyes like
I knew what I was doing
instead of simply being
all the accidents of the universe
poorly made human (attempt is so much energy)
I am not a good human
like I am not a good woman
like I am not a good example of what to do in a tense situation
I’ll take the easy way out
I’ll always take
the easy way out
I’ll always take the easy way out
I’ll always take the easy way out
I’ll always take the easy way out
I’ll always take the easy way out
I’ll always take the easy way out
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viewer/error Brooklyn, New York
Through experiment, patchwork, and poetics, Brooklyn-based duo viewer/error were drawn to craft an audio-collage based
music, using found sounds, played instruments, and spoken word performance.
viewer/error is a collaboration between multi-instrumentalist K Marang (sounds, instruments, recording) and Taylor Sprow (words, vocals, recording).
... more
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